dad and time

I don’t know how things got so bad. My parents did what they can with what they had. My dad’s not a deadbeat, and my mom isn’t a saint. Those narratives are too simple. They were human beings with flaws. My mom didn’t know how to listen, and my dad didn’t know how to talk. My dad had so much inside of them, but I didn’t know. I had no idea. I just assumed he didn’t. And I’ve been treating him like that, for a long time. I’ve shared so little with him. I didn’t even give him a chance, and it feels like I’ve shared nothing. Now, I realize how much time I missed out on with him. And it hurts. When I look at it, it seems time is in such short supply. I don’t have enough time. I didn’t have enough time. There still is time. But I don’t know how to use it. I don’t know how to spend time on my dad. I’ve tried and he has tried in the past to do what we have seen. We went fishing, in the neighborhood lake. But that was weird. It was too deep too fast. I don’t spend minutes with this guy normally, then we went fishing? Just the two of us, alone? I feel like I need to introduce myself to him first. But how do even do that? The only way I can think of is to sit in a room together in silence and just wait for the ice to break. How do you do sit without the context of a TV interrupting?

Dad, I need to spend time with you. I need to show you I love you before you go away forever. I can’t live with this hole in my heart anymore.

That’s what the note will say. I will leave it in a place for him. I will let him come to me, on his own time, after he processes it. Why can’t I just talk?

UPDATE 2/24/2015 10:30PM: I only wrote that note in my mind. I saw my dad this morning in the kitchen. We were there for our own purposes, but we were there together nonetheless. And to think about it, we did have a together purpose. We were each getting breakfast, but just having a different meal because we we’re going to have different days. My dad was eyeballing the bowl of fruit, thinking about what he wanted. The kitchen fruit bowl is always filled with stuff, and there are no need for staples in America. There are common occurrences like bananas and apples, yeah, and oranges are a regular guest star in the bowl. And when I see an orange in the fruit bowl, it’s exactly how I feel when I see Cosmo Kramer burst into Jerry’s apartment. Other fruits, like weird fruits, show up to in the bowl too. Corrected: The fruits are not weird, they’re just weird to me. My dad recently brought these microbananas to the table….which is actually a bowl in this case. But I have no idea what they are in a textbook somewhere, but I’ve been calling them microbanans  because that’s what they look like. To me, they taste like really good, subtly sweet banana pudding. Hmmmm, it just occurred to me, like right now, it is banana pudding. I took a bananathing and made it pudding my mouth. Everyone everywhere eats pudding, just different kinds of pudding. Anyway, my mom says baby banana because that’s a word has come out of her experience and is functional. So anyways back to breakfast in the kitchen with my dad, I was loading the Keurig with my own beans using some supercontraption Nicole gave the family. (I have a still functioning Keurig model 1.0, but I really can’t wait for when Keurig comes out with Model 42.0, because I subconsciously enjoy the distraction of buying different iterations of a thing I already have that totally works fine and who’s only deficiency is that the other thing is just a thing that those guys spent more time with. A Keurig 2.0 is the brother who got more time therefore attention investment from your parents. He is great, but his greatness is independent from the fact that he’s also a little bitch. I’m Keurig 1.0. I work just fine. I’m not as fancy because I’m not fancy, but can do fancy things.).

Wow, the length of that parenthetical……I don’t know either, but I am aware of it.  But yeah, I was in the kitchen doing my thing. And Dad was in the kitchen doing his thing. I looked at him, at this face, and I said hi. And I smiled. That was it. And now, there hasn’t been any demonstration that things are better between us (we’re not going to ball games or anything), but things feel better between us. And I feel that this a place that I can start to demonstrate, demonstrate love. 🙂